


Believe

by BulimicSpacePug



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Angst, F/M, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Harm, Songfic, old Varus, the not gay Varus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 21:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9289529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BulimicSpacePug/pseuds/BulimicSpacePug
Summary: She's hurt now over him, over someone not worth saving. The least he can do is stay with her.





	

_I can’t believe/That when I breathe/There’s something good inside of me/Just one good thing inside of me…_

He did what he had to. 

He’d let them die — his family, his friends, his neighbors — at the hands of Noxus, seen his village reduced to ash, but he’d done what he had to. Perhaps that’s what ate away at him the most, more than the nightmares that he’s come to call his friends, more than the images seared in his mind of his slaughtered people; he’d done everything right, everything he was supposed to, and yet here he was.

He did what he had to. It’s little consolation, though.

_So close to me/That memory/Of that one good thing inside of me/Just one good thing inside of me…_

He meets Soraka by accident. He’s perched on a tree branch, his arms bloody and numb, slumped against the trunk in surrender. He’s almost certain it’s over; he’s failed, his family’s deaths will go unavenged, but there’s no fight left in him, and his wick is burnt out by the flames of the corruption.

And then she’s beside him, her hand on his shoulder, and the deep scores on his wrists are tingling faintly with her magic. She’s exhausted by the time she’s through with him, her own arms battered in Varus’ place, and as much as he wants to find a new tree to rot in, to give in to the darkness that threatens to consume him, he can’t bring himself to leave the starchild there in agony. She’s hurt now over him, over someone not worth saving. The least he can do is stay with her.

_If I went out the back door, nobody would stop me/But where would I go?/’Cause I ain’t ever had a real home/So what do I know?_

He’s got an old, makeshift house not far from the rubble of his village. Soraka doesn’t complain about his dwelling, just sits cross-legged at the edge of his bed while he busies himself making tea. He doesn’t do it often; he likes tea, sure, but there are Noxian invaders out there, and he’s not too keen on resting easy until his arrows bury themselves in their flesh.

Besides, it’s not like he has anyone to entertain. His friends are all dead.

_So I could keep running/Hiding ‘til they find me/But what would that do?/If they could only know what I knew/What would it prove?_

“You’re hurt,” Soraka notes from the bed.

“You healed me,” Varus replies, the bitterness in his voice masked by the eerie echo of corruption. “I’m not hurt.”

“You’re still hurt,” Soraka argues. Varus doesn’t say anything else on the matter.

_I should have seen the writing on the wall/Instead I’m left to fall/’Cause the longer I’m away/The more we stay the same…_

“You were there when Noxus invaded.”

That strikes a nerve, and for a moment, Varus wants to snap, to turn Soraka away and to shower all of Noxus in corrupted arrows, to fall at the hands of his own darkness. He composes himself before she crosses the room to stand next to him.

“They will know regret,” he says calmly. He’s said the same thing so many times before, repeating it in the dark when the nightmares keep him up, muttering it under his breath while he nocks an arrow to the bowstring, that he barely hears himself say it.

_Looking back when I thought I knew it all/Instead I’m left to fall/Did I throw it all away?_

She looks at him sadly, disapprovingly. He hates it, the pity in her golden eyes as she wraps her arms around him. He’s so caught up in his anger that he doesn’t notice when she leaves, doesn’t notice her absence until long after the water boils.

_I broke it all and I’m put to the test/Put your hand to mine and feel this emptiness/There’s no beat in my chest ‘cause there’s nothing left/No it ain’t goodbye, it’s a last caress…_

It’s just his luck that she’s back the next night, and again the night after. It becomes routine. She shows just as his vision blurs, just as death is within his grasp, and stays long enough for him to say something he shouldn’t. He comes to expect it, after a time, associates the sting of broken glass on his skin with the soft warmth of Soraka’s embrace and the red of the blood on his arm with the soft yellow of her gaze. 

_What’s another dream? You could hardly sleep/Can you believe bad things only happen to me?/God knows one day you will finally see/That scars will heal but were meant to bleed…_

It’s the third or fourth time that she’s come here; Varus lost count. She kneels by his side, but he pushes her back — gently, of course, there’s not even enough fight in him to be rough. She looks surprised, but she doesn’t protest, at first. She places her hand over his and watches him bleed.

_Do you realize I would lie for you?/Please have my last breath, I would die for you/I know I’m no good, but my heart beats true/You know I’m gonna fight, though I might be scared to lose..._

“Don’t,” he says, when he’s found it in himself to speak. “Noxus. Pain.”

And then his cuts are closing, the numb ache slowly dissolving, until Soraka is leaning on his shoulder, asleep. He doesn’t try to push her away again. 

_You took me in and I fucked it up again/An empty promise, no, I won’t pretend/’Cause in the end, we need someone to solve ‘em/Nobody can fix me if I’m part of the problem…_

Varus doesn’t remember falling asleep, but when he wakes up, Soraka is gone. He wants to find her, to lay dying until she comes back to him, to promise her that he won’t fight, that he’s given up revenge, but he can’t. He’s many things — a killer, a traitor, a coward — but if there’s one thing he’s not, it’s a liar. He stands up instead and makes himself tea.

Soraka never comes back.


End file.
